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US forces bomb Iraqi hospital full of women attached to feeding tubes in fierce fighting with insurgents. President cites his resolve for life and winning the war on terror.

An insignificant Iraqi child hooked up to another kind of tube tries to tell about thousands of women hooked up to feeding tubes being killed during raids on insurgents. The hospital was hit with bombs, accidentally, according to military sources.






BAGHDAD, IRAQ--A hospital with a special "feeding tubes for innocent women" wing in Baghdad was hit with repeated bombings early today during raids on two Iraqi insurgents hiding in a parked car eight miles away. Military spokesmen say the hospital had a history of bombing itself, and what few bombs the US did drop on it were an accident. Estimates say that roughly 3000 women were killed when the bombs hit. An Iraqi doctor said that all of them were killed instantly and felt no pain, unlike the poor American woman who politicians and asswipes are using for propaganda and political agendas.

Terry Schiavo exhibits sign of life by using her mouth and a lipstick to write message on her pillow to all the do-gooding-busy-bodies who won't let her die.

Terri Schiavo actually appears to be smiling after she used her mouth and a lipstick to write a message to do-gooders trying to trample on her wishes to stop suffering and die with dignity.

PINELLAS PARK, FL - What some are saying is a "miracle" that must have taken untold strength and resolve, Terri Schiavo apparently took a lipstick that had fallen out of her mother's purse during a visit, grasped it in her mouth, and wrote messages to President Bush and Republican do-gooder-busy-bodies trying to keep her alive in a really shitty state of being. "It's very strange", said one doctor who's been observing Terri for years, "when we came upon the scene, I could swear Terri was actually smiling. It's like she was laughing her ass off on the inside." Congress is expected to propose legislation that regulates anything that Terri could possibly use to write anything with in her mouth.

Vatican to purchase Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. 30,000 priests immediately ask for relocation.


Neverland (left), alleged location for kiddie sex, and the Vatican (right), the place where kiddie sex offenders are sheltered.

VATICAN CITY, ROME. - Amidst legal, and financial troubles for Michael Jackson, the Vatican has offered to purchase the famous Neverland Ranch for an undisclosed sum. Pope John Paul did not comment on the matter directly, but one spokesman did say that both properties offer peaceful surroundings where men can be close to God and maybe a paper-boy or two. The Vatican dismissed rumors about their interest in the property initiating from rumors of wine and sex with children. "Just because we drink wine and have sex with children, does not make it the sole reason why we would want to purchase Neverland. The "Jesus juice" thing is totally coincidental", Cardinal Carver said to reporters. The Vatican also said that should Michael Jackson be found innocent of the charges pending against him, they would allow him to visit Neverland at his discretion and provide tutoring to the clergy.


Top Stories

Congress rushes to pass legislation to force woman to reinsert her enema tube.

A court-ordered "rectum resuscitation specialist" applies butt-saving manipulations to a woman who removed her enema tube because she wants to crap with dignity.

JACKSONVILLE, AR-  A woman who suffered from a Mozzarella cheese addiction which locked her bowels for over ten years, removed her enema after her hardened dairy product blockage finally abated. "Keeping the enema tube in seemed pointless, since I'm shitting like a goose overdosing on Metamucil", the patient who wishes to remain anonymous said. "I'm so tired of crapping, I'm considering going back on my cheese binge". "This is no kind of life for me. I want to poop like normal people." A group of activists outside the hospital saw the woman's enema tube dangling unattached and immediately called their congressmen and whacked-out right-wing sanctimonious pinheads. Congress responded by proposing the, "no tube left un-inserted" bill that the president is expected to cut short his weekly act of masturbating while reading Mein Kampf, to sign. Right-to-die activists clashed with Japanese scat film fans chanting, "death with dignity", and "pooh on me", respectively. Congressman and quack doctor, Bill Frist, said that the woman's abdomen still showed signs of blockage and that he would appeal to the Supreme Court or to see to it that the woman stays attached to her enema tube.


In The News

Bush says he will allow Terry Schiavo's tube to be removed if her husband divorces her and she asks to remarry as a lesbian.

Two lesbians wait eagerly for Bush to allow Terri Schiavo to marry, even though it will certainly mean her death.

BOSTON, MA.- Lesbians all over are mobilizing to get in line to propose to Terri Schiavo, should her husband decide to divorce her. President Bush said that he would allow her feeding tube to be removed immediately and allowed to die if her husband divorced her and she then wished to marry as a lesbian. Even though gay marriages are not recognized by the Bush Administration, the President did say that, although a hollow gesture, it would give him the resolve necessary to let Terri die as a worthless carpet muncher.















In The News

After numerous failed legal attempts to prolong Terri Schiavo's suffering, Congressmen say their next move will be to hold their breaths and kick their feet.

A tantrum consultant, known only as "Jimmy" displays the, "alright, alright, will you just shut up" move for Congress.

WASHINGTON, D.C.-As time runs-out on appeal options for Congress to reinsert Terri Schiavos feeding tube, one last-ditch scheme is being hatched whereby interested members of Congress will throw themselves to the floor, kick their feet, and hold their breath until they turn blue. Rumors have it that a special "tantrum consultant" has been hired with tax payers dollars to instruct the members how to perform an effective tantrum and not hurt themselves or end up getting grounded instead. Lessons are not moving as quickly as planned because the consultant must have his poopy pants changed 3 or 4 times a day and afterwards it takes almost 15 minutes to get back in through security.