News In Brief
bomb Iraqi hospital full of women attached to feeding tubes in fierce
fighting with insurgents. President cites his resolve for life and winning the
war on terror.
An insignificant Iraqi child hooked
up to another kind of tube tries to tell about thousands of women
hooked up to feeding tubes being killed during raids on insurgents. The
hospital was hit with bombs, accidentally, according to military sources.
BAGHDAD, IRAQ--A hospital
with a special "feeding tubes for innocent women" wing in Baghdad was
hit with repeated bombings early today during raids on two Iraqi
insurgents hiding in a parked car eight miles away. Military spokesmen
say the hospital had a history of bombing itself, and what few bombs the
US did drop on it were an accident. Estimates say that roughly 3000
women were killed when the bombs hit. An Iraqi doctor said that all of
them were killed instantly and felt no pain, unlike the poor American
woman who politicians and asswipes are using for propaganda and
Terry Schiavo exhibits sign of life by
using her mouth and a lipstick to write message on her pillow to all the
do-gooding-busy-bodies who won't let her die.
Terri Schiavo actually
appears to be smiling after she used her mouth and a lipstick to write a
message to do-gooders trying to trample on her wishes to stop suffering
and die with dignity.
FL - What some are saying is a "miracle" that must have taken untold
strength and resolve, Terri Schiavo apparently took a lipstick that had
fallen out of her mother's purse during a visit, grasped it in her
mouth, and wrote messages to President Bush and Republican do-gooder-busy-bodies
trying to keep her alive in a really shitty state of being. "It's very
strange", said one doctor who's been observing Terri for years, "when we
came upon the scene, I could swear Terri was actually smiling. It's like
she was laughing her ass off on the inside." Congress is expected
to propose legislation that regulates anything that Terri could possibly use to write
anything with in her mouth.
Vatican to purchase
Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. 30,000 priests immediately ask for
(left), alleged location for kiddie sex, and the Vatican (right), the
place where kiddie sex offenders are sheltered.
VATICAN CITY, ROME. - Amidst legal, and financial
troubles for Michael Jackson, the Vatican has offered to purchase the
famous Neverland Ranch for an undisclosed sum. Pope John Paul did not
comment on the matter directly, but one spokesman did say that both
properties offer peaceful surroundings where men can be close to God and
maybe a paper-boy or two. The Vatican dismissed rumors about their
interest in the property initiating from rumors of wine and sex with
children. "Just because we drink wine and have sex with children, does
not make it the sole reason why we would want to purchase Neverland. The
"Jesus juice" thing is totally coincidental", Cardinal Carver said to
reporters. The Vatican also said that should Michael Jackson be found
innocent of the charges pending against him, they would allow him to
visit Neverland at his discretion and provide tutoring to the clergy.
Congress rushes to
pass legislation to force woman to reinsert her enema tube.
A court-ordered "rectum resuscitation specialist" applies
butt-saving manipulations to a woman who removed her enema tube because
she wants to crap with dignity.
woman who suffered from a Mozzarella cheese addiction which locked her
bowels for over ten years, removed her enema after her hardened dairy
product blockage finally abated. "Keeping the enema tube in seemed
pointless, since I'm shitting like a goose overdosing on Metamucil", the
patient who wishes to remain anonymous said. "I'm so tired of crapping,
I'm considering going back on my cheese binge". "This is no kind of life
for me. I want to poop like normal
people." A group of activists outside the hospital saw the woman's enema
tube dangling unattached and immediately called their congressmen and
whacked-out right-wing sanctimonious pinheads. Congress responded by
proposing the, "no tube left un-inserted" bill that the president is
expected to cut short his weekly act of masturbating while reading Mein
Kampf, to sign. Right-to-die activists clashed with Japanese scat film
fans chanting, "death with dignity", and "pooh on me", respectively.
Congressman and quack doctor, Bill Frist, said that the woman's abdomen
still showed signs of blockage and that he would appeal to the Supreme
Court or WebMD.com to see to it that the woman stays attached to her enema
In The News
Bush says he will allow Terry Schiavo's tube to be
removed if her husband divorces her and she asks to remarry as a
Two lesbians wait eagerly for Bush to allow Terri Schiavo to marry,
even though it will certainly mean her death.
Lesbians all over are mobilizing to
get in line to propose to Terri Schiavo, should her husband
decide to divorce her. President Bush said that he would allow
her feeding tube to be removed immediately and allowed to die if
her husband divorced her and she then wished to marry as a
lesbian. Even though gay marriages are not recognized by the
Bush Administration, the President did say that, although a
hollow gesture, it would give him the resolve necessary to let
Terri die as a worthless carpet muncher.
In The News
After numerous failed legal attempts to prolong
Terri Schiavo's suffering, Congressmen say their next move will be to
hold their breaths and kick their feet.
A tantrum consultant, known only as
"Jimmy" displays the, "alright, alright, will you just shut up"
move for Congress.
D.C.-As time runs-out on appeal options for Congress to reinsert Terri
Schiavos feeding tube, one last-ditch scheme is being hatched whereby
interested members of Congress will throw themselves to the floor, kick
their feet, and hold their breath until they turn blue. Rumors have it
that a special "tantrum consultant" has been hired with tax payers
dollars to instruct the members how to perform an effective tantrum and
not hurt themselves or end up getting grounded instead. Lessons are not
moving as quickly as planned because the consultant must have his poopy
pants changed 3 or 4 times a day and afterwards it takes almost 15
minutes to get back in through security.